This Is An Ad For Milk

An ad for milk. General.

Hello. This is an ad for milk.

Milk is not dangerous. You may already have milk in your house, or inside your body. If this is the case, there is no reason to worry. Remain calm and do not induce vomiting. Just enjoy milk.

There are many rumors about milk. Some 'doctors' claim that people with certain conditions should not drink milk. These doctors are lying. Everyone should drink milk. Milk provides nutrients essential to growing bones, such as femurs, patellae and horns. You do not want your femurs, patellae, or horns to be small, do you? Then drink milk.

Think of a cow. Now, answer the following question out loud, as fast as you can: What do cows drink? If you said 'milk', that is incorrect. Cows do not drink milk Cows drink water. The idea that drinking milk will make you into a cow is silly. Do not be alarmed. You are safe. Milk is safe. Please drink more milk.

Milk can come in flavors. If you choose to not drink regular milk, consider flavored milk. Strawberry-flavored milk has never been proven to affect results on intelligence tests, and is legally safe for human consumption. Chocolate-flavored milk can add a rich luster to your coat. You want your coat to be lustrous, don't you? Then drink chocolate-flavored milk. Vanilla-flavored milk is useless and despised.

The Winter Lady [Lyrics]

A song to the spirit of winter, traditionally sung during the winter solstice.

The winter is coming so we'll sing out sweetly
With toes and hands frozen we'll be of good cheer
The blanket of darkness falls o'er us completely
On darkest of nights the White Maiden is here

O light all the candles to chase away darkness
And deck yourselves all up in crimson and gold
The finest of dresses and tunics of satin
Will make ourselves shimmer like heroes of old

Let the Great Night fall
As we gather by the fire
With our songs we'll call
The Winter Lady here

Her countenance shines like the first rays of morning
Her eyes are aglow with the moon's gentle light
Forgiveness she grants with the touch of her mantle
That kings' hearts and beggars' be as one this night

With houses bedecked all with bay and with laurel
We'll open our doors up to all who come near
Now pass round the cup and let's start up a carol
And sing we so sweet the White Maiden will hear

Let the Great Night fall
As we gather by the fire
With our songs we'll call
The Winter Lady here

Each winter she strikes through the whirling of blizzards
Each winter she comes with the sun in her wake
To dance in the moonlight of deep winter solstice
Until the first sunlight of morning does break

Come down from your palace and make us all joyful
O dance here among us as we hail the sun
Unconquered this winter, for now and forever
Upon each year's ending 'till all years are done

Let the Great Night fall
As we gather by the fire
With our songs we'll call
The Winter Lady here

Fore the new sunrise
She'll feast and dance and caper
O both fool and wise
Fear the Winter Lady's court

The Snow-Black Fortress

Instead of studying barbarians, a fantasy anthropologist winds up joining them instead. Explicit.

Footsteps dented the snow without any feet to make them. The falling snow and gusts of wind would cover them up within minutes, and then there would be no sign that anyone had been there.

Edward paused, and the footsteps stood still. He crouched down, digging two gloved fingers into the snow and putting a clump of it onto his tongue. He was loath to chill himself any more than he already was, but he'd read in a book that it kept your breath from fogging up.

Ahead of Edward loomed the fortress, built out of greying stone, perched on the side of a mountain. Behind him was the less perilous peak he'd climbed. And beneath him, beyond the thick stone bridge, were thousands of feet of nothingness down to a rocky cleft between the two peaks.. Edward's heart hammered in his chest.

The tracks began to move again, dotting the snow with dark spots where the gray-black flagstones showed through. Edward grabbed the edges of his cloak and pulled them closer together against the cold. On his chest, sitting above his traveling robe, was an unevenly round disc of lead. Stamped on it in a puffy, bulbous way was the image of a half-closed eye.

Don't Enable Magic Animals

A cautionary tale about wishing that girls would find everything you say cute. Mature.

"That's not fair," said the young man.

"That's the rules," said the fox.

The fox was lying. There were no rules. Thus, there were no rules against lying about there being rules to get out of granting terrible wishes.

The little red beast stood atop a small boulder, which put him about at eye level with the man. The young man was standing on the ground, arms folded over a rough cloth tunic. A strip of fabric had been torn from the hem of his tunic and was now wrapped around the fox's left paw.

"That's the fourth one," the man complained.

"And all four of them were against the rules, so if you want a wish you'd better come up with one that isn't," said the fox.

"Can you tell me what the rules are?" the man asked.

"No. That's against the rules."

Storm and Stone

A woman becomes a gargoyle to join her lover. Explicit.

Sheets disperse into stippled splashes against the granite facade. The door to the stairs slams open, slammed by the wind which whirls around the rooftop. Her feet cut splashes into the water that pools on the roof. The rain swirls and soaks her from every angle.

A crack of lightning throws shadows against the bared fangs, wrinkled snout and hunched muscle of one of the stone gargoyles that sit on the outcroppings along the edge of the roof. It throws her off balance. She topples forward, arms spread wide, reaching and grasping and holding tight to the stone beast.

Stone eyes blink, stone sinew shifts. A head with glowing eyes turns to look at the woman grasping its neck, and astonishment writ in monstrous form stretches the gargoyle's jaw.

A Tale of the Diluvian South

A folk tale from a flooded world about finding your way.

Way back, even before the waters came pourin down, Old Man Eli was feelin mighty angry. He gone and had Mami make them people, all the people down in the world. But they wasn't doin they job like he liked. They was making all kinds a noise and fuss and it made Old Man mighty angry. So what Eli do he start cryin. He don't want to bother no more. Big ol tears come rollin down his face, come rollin off his beard, come hammerin down onto de ground. Old Man Eli he gone wash them away with his tears.

Now down there with the people there was a girl name of Alice. She ain't nothing special, just a girl with a lotta sense. She work at a paper, writin down words other people done said and other people gone read, and she loved that job.

But then Eli's tears come, and the water came risin up from the ground and washin down from the sky. Whole town done start to panic, and back in those days towns was big, like you ain't even know half the people livin there. That's how big old towns was.