Go Chargers!

Billy gets stuffed into a Bully Charger mascot suit and has to find help before the suit takes over.

It was the night of the fall dance and Billy was on the floor of the supply closet with a knee in his spine.

"Quit wiggling, you dweeb," said Ryan. He grabbed Billy's left wrist and cranked it behind his back. With his free hand, Ryan shoved a long glove onto Billy's left arm. Ryan was the absolute worst. He didn't just have confidence and good hair and a great jawline. He was also the only male cheerleader on the school team.

"Let go!" Billy shouted. He ground his chest against the floor. A layer of foam and synthetic blue-and-white fur separated him from the carpet. Ryan had already managed to wrestle the mascot's padded torso onto him.

This was all about Julie. Ryan didn't even have to say her name; Billy knew it. To Billy, Julie was the prettiest girl in the school, with blonde hair kept back in a ponytail and a big, bright smile. Through some insane stroke of luck, he'd made friends with her. Julie was a cheerleader too, though. That meant that, every day, she spent time with Ryan during practice. Billy was sure Ryan wanted to date her, as sure as he was that Ryan was jealous of what he and Julie had. Or, well. What they could have. Billy hadn't asked her out yet. He was going to do it at the dance tonight, he'd told himself for weeks.

This Is An Ad For Milk

An ad for milk. General.

Hello. This is an ad for milk.

Milk is not dangerous. You may already have milk in your house, or inside your body. If this is the case, there is no reason to worry. Remain calm and do not induce vomiting. Just enjoy milk.

There are many rumors about milk. Some 'doctors' claim that people with certain conditions should not drink milk. These doctors are lying. Everyone should drink milk. Milk provides nutrients essential to growing bones, such as femurs, patellae and horns. You do not want your femurs, patellae, or horns to be small, do you? Then drink milk.

Think of a cow. Now, answer the following question out loud, as fast as you can: What do cows drink? If you said 'milk', that is incorrect. Cows do not drink milk Cows drink water. The idea that drinking milk will make you into a cow is silly. Do not be alarmed. You are safe. Milk is safe. Please drink more milk.

Milk can come in flavors. If you choose to not drink regular milk, consider flavored milk. Strawberry-flavored milk has never been proven to affect results on intelligence tests, and is legally safe for human consumption. Chocolate-flavored milk can add a rich luster to your coat. You want your coat to be lustrous, don't you? Then drink chocolate-flavored milk. Vanilla-flavored milk is useless and despised.

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December 20, 2015

Tales of the Strange presents: You Are What You Eat

Some bat investigates an abandoned candy factory and falls victim to its horrors. Guest starring Agouti-Rex's (murrypurry.com) characters.

Rule one of investigating the abandoned candy factory was that no one should know why Mercedes was there. Mrs. McGolly was really insistent on that point. If anyone asked, she was doing a project for school, and had never heard of Mrs. McGolly or her candy corporation. She certainly wasn't getting paid fifty dollars to take pictures of a rival company's abandoned factory.

Rule two was easy, take lots of pictures. Mercedes had a camera, done.

Rule three was weird. "While you're in there," McGolly said, poking a hoof right into Mercedes' face, "don't say 'candy'."

"Uh, why?" Mercedes asked.

"Don't worry about it, just don't say 'candy'. It's my business, not yours." McGolly slapped a ten-dollar bill into Mercedes's hand and swept the bat right out of her office. "Remember—you weren't here," she said, and then ended the conversation by closing the door.

Later that day, Mercedes stood outside the run-down factory, with a camera in one hand and nothing else. She'd been trying to think of alibis for taking pictures, and she had hit on a good one by accident: She was doing a paper on, like, why McGolly's company had opened a brand-new candy factory, when Failtown already had an abandoned candy factory just sitting around.

Actually asking McGolly a question like that would lose her that fifty bucks, though.

A Sip of Coffee

Getting a cup of coffee helps a young businesswoman relax into a trendier persona.

Eight bucks was far too much for a cup of coffee. But eight bucks here as compared to five at the place down the road--Tiffany figured she saved the time it took to walk to the parking lot, drive out, park, and drive back. The new gourmet coffee shop was two minutes from the front door of her office as opposed to the ten minute drive to the cheaper place.

Sixteen minutes for three dollars, which came out to about twelve dollars an hour--and she was definitely getting paid more than that, so on the whole, it was worth her time. As long as the coffee was good.

Tiffany took a seat at one of the small tables and set her black brick of a business laptop in front of her. She flipped it open and checked her reflection in the screen before it turned on. Her pale fur, combed; her black hair, pinned back into a bun; her charcoal suit jacket, sitting crooked on her shoulders. She sat up, straightened her jacket, pulled her blouse flat, then swept her charcoal skirt beneath her thighs and sat down again.

The Winter Lady [Lyrics]

A song to the spirit of winter, traditionally sung during the winter solstice.

The winter is coming so we'll sing out sweetly
With toes and hands frozen we'll be of good cheer
The blanket of darkness falls o'er us completely
On darkest of nights the White Maiden is here

O light all the candles to chase away darkness
And deck yourselves all up in crimson and gold
The finest of dresses and tunics of satin
Will make ourselves shimmer like heroes of old

Let the Great Night fall
As we gather by the fire
With our songs we'll call
The Winter Lady here

Her countenance shines like the first rays of morning
Her eyes are aglow with the moon's gentle light
Forgiveness she grants with the touch of her mantle
That kings' hearts and beggars' be as one this night

With houses bedecked all with bay and with laurel
We'll open our doors up to all who come near
Now pass round the cup and let's start up a carol
And sing we so sweet the White Maiden will hear

Let the Great Night fall
As we gather by the fire
With our songs we'll call
The Winter Lady here

Each winter she strikes through the whirling of blizzards
Each winter she comes with the sun in her wake
To dance in the moonlight of deep winter solstice
Until the first sunlight of morning does break

Come down from your palace and make us all joyful
O dance here among us as we hail the sun
Unconquered this winter, for now and forever
Upon each year's ending 'till all years are done

Let the Great Night fall
As we gather by the fire
With our songs we'll call
The Winter Lady here

Fore the new sunrise
She'll feast and dance and caper
O both fool and wise
Fear the Winter Lady's court

July 2, 2015

A Tale of the Diluvian South

A folk tale from a flooded world about finding your way.

Way back, even before the waters came pourin down, Old Man Eli was feelin mighty angry. He gone and had Mami make them people, all the people down in the world. But they wasn't doin they job like he liked. They was making all kinds a noise and fuss and it made Old Man mighty angry. So what Eli do he start cryin. He don't want to bother no more. Big ol tears come rollin down his face, come rollin off his beard, come hammerin down onto de ground. Old Man Eli he gone wash them away with his tears.

Now down there with the people there was a girl name of Alice. She ain't nothing special, just a girl with a lotta sense. She work at a paper, writin down words other people done said and other people gone read, and she loved that job.

But then Eli's tears come, and the water came risin up from the ground and washin down from the sky. Whole town done start to panic, and back in those days towns was big, like you ain't even know half the people livin there. That's how big old towns was.